Sometimes you just need a good set of lips

Sometimes I just miss kissing. Not just any kiss, I mean the kind that make your tummy jump and make you loose your breath a little bit. I recently had a "friend" come to see me for just under 24 hours. During this time I learned something important about myself. I am no longer a "any man will do" kind of girl. Don't get me wrong, this guy is a great guy and a fantastic person, but this visit wasn't about that. It was a "just have fun" kind of trip. I just want to point out at this point that in the technical sense I am a 34 year old virgin. Meaning that I have never had actual penetration. On the other hand I no longer really feel that term is a correct term since I have done so many other things besides that actual act. That being said, when this friend who came to visit and I were first talking about his visit, I had thought that there was no longer a need to "save" myself and planned on letting what ever happens happen. But when push came to shove I couldn't go through with it. It had absolutely nothing to do with him, it completely had to do with that fact that I didn't want just 1 night, I wanted a relationship. On the other hand I fear that the sexual abuse that I went through when I was very young had something to do with it also, and that got me thinking and fearing that I would never be able to trust a man enough to give myself to him completely. I don't talk about this much because really it was small in relation to so many other people that go through this, and yet it is still something that sticks in my head and causes me fear sometimes. So I suppose this is as good and safe a spot as any to talk about it. Its a short story and yet it might help me to get it out.
This happened 2 different times that I can remember with 2 different men. Both men were "friends of the family", both military men, and both men's children have come forward with stories of sexual abuse from their fathers. I was probably around 6 or 7 years old when the first one happened and I remember the man would have me sit on his lap while he put his hand down my pants and played with me. I also remember a night with his 2 kids and myself and he had us all running around naked. The second man was much the same with having me sit on his lap and putting his hand down my pants. The difference with the second man is that he was a ship mate of my dads and years later my dad was still friends with him. My dad would talk about him and how great he was, and even tried to get me to spend time with this weasel. At this point I had to confront my dad and tell him that if he continued this friendship I would be forced to cut him out of my life. My dad accused me of lying. It wasn't until this man's children came forward and they pressed charges (he is now in jail) that my dad contacted me and apologized. I still kind of hold anger toward my dad for that. And yet my dad knew more of the details than I remember, so he had to have heard it or knew about it from someone else besides me. It seems such a small thing in the greater picture of the world and what so many others have gone through but I sometimes wonder if this is why I have such a hard time with intimacy. And yet there have been times where I have been more than willing to trust complete strangers all they way until the sex part. I fear I will never be able to get to that comfort with someone to let go of the fear. And yet I LOVE kissing, feeling someones arms move around your waist, pulling you close, feeling their heartbeat with yours and tasting the sweet softness of their lips, and with that feeling your stomach jump with exitement, slowly opening your eyes and being able to look in their eyes and being happy in the moment....