Pets

So last week my mom called to tell me that my cat was having seizures. This broke my heart in ways that I didn't know possible. I felt like a horrible pet owner. Since I got this sweet little monster he's spent most of his time in Colorado with my mom while I have been out on the road. I have selfishly left him in the care of my mom while I go out and bounce from place to place. He is happy in Colorado but he was happy in Atlanta as well. He was a rescue cat and when I got him he had a dent in the top of his head. The only thing I could think of was that he was horribly abused when he was a kitten. I wanted to make him feel safe where ever he was. He has been with me through so much and even tho I leave him so often, when I come home it is me who he chooses to be around. I know he is a pet and that he will not outlive me, but to get the phone call that he was sick just broke my heart. It was almost like one of my own children was hurt and I wanted desperately to be with him. I was in Florida and all I wanted was to come home and be there with him. I was able to come home 4 days later to my heavily sedated but much better kitten. I look at him and although some traits have changed he still really truly is the best cat ever!!

communication

I feel that communication is a essential part of our world. With the amount of travel I do and the time I spend in hotels, I have to deal with this a LOT. Today as I came back to my hotel room after an AMAZING work out, the maid stopped me and asked if I wanted service. I told her that I just needed my trash emptied, she looked at me very blank and said "you need service?" not sure what language she spoke I again said "I only need my trash emptied" and then again in spanish hoping that since I am so close to cuba that would be the choice. This did absolutely no good and I went into my room and got my trash bins out and said "trash please".
I understand that none of us would be here without our ancestors coming from another country. I understand coming to another country to pursue a happier life, but for hells sake, if you are going to work in a profession that requires you to communicate with another person, PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE have at least a working knowledge of the language. I don't expect anyone to come here having a perfect knowledge of the language, but when you ask someone a question you should be able to understand the answer!! I say this sort of feeling sheepish, knowing that I went to South and Central America with such little ability to carry on a conversation that it was juvenile at best. I am still working on that and hopefully getting better little by little. So I really have very little right to say much, but it still kind of angers me!

music A.D.D.

I love music, and I often joke about my music A.D.D. but I can't decided and stick to just one genre. Its just not fair to the others. I love the power of music, and I listen to everything. Its amazing how music can deepen the emotion of a situation, brighten your day, help you get anger out, relax, inspire, allow you to break down, bring a smile,open the flood gate of memories and just open the world of dreams and possibilities! I can't really carry a note but I love to sing, and it doesn't matter what it is, but for the sake of the world I try to keep it to a minimum, but sometimes I just can't help myself and find myself singing along to a song in a store, or humming along to my ipod as I walk down the street. I can't imagine my life with out music, tonight I downloaded the new Cyndi Lauper album called Memphis Blues. Its delicious! and now I am listening to Otis Redding. Life is pretty dang great!

mmm!

I feel sorry for people who live in large cities tonight. I have a long break at the end of my show, and tonight I decided to go watch the fireflies. I love fireflies! But tonight it was kind of super awesome because as I sat there I looked up at the moon, watched the clouds go by, listen to the finale music of the show, felt the moist warm summer air flow across me, and spotted some fireflies. I thought about the times I have spent in larger cites where you can't see the stars and the air is stale and the building don't allow for such magic as a firefly. Yes larger cities have their own magic, but tonight I couldn't imagine anything better than that moment. Absolute bliss! Its moments like this that I put in my pocket and try to pull out when I am having a bad day or when the world seems too much to handle. When I was in Costa Rica I was taught a phrase that has stuck with me, even to the point of having it tattooed on my body. The phrase is Pura Vida. Literally translated it means pure life, but it means so much more to the people there than just pure life. It is more like "full of life", and finding and keeping happy moments, and making the best out of our hard times. This is how I want to be. I have been trying very hard to find the good in my trials. Its been a challenge and sometimes I let life get to me, and focus on my downfalls. And yet the blessing of a bad day is that it ends, and we get to wake up the next day and never have to do that day over again, and without the bad days we can't appreciate the good days. That in and of its self is a really awesome thing! So tonight I go to bed with fireflies and warm summer air floating around in blissful pura vida!

Sometimes you just need a good set of lips

Sometimes I just miss kissing. Not just any kiss, I mean the kind that make your tummy jump and make you loose your breath a little bit. I recently had a "friend" come to see me for just under 24 hours. During this time I learned something important about myself. I am no longer a "any man will do" kind of girl. Don't get me wrong, this guy is a great guy and a fantastic person, but this visit wasn't about that. It was a "just have fun" kind of trip. I just want to point out at this point that in the technical sense I am a 34 year old virgin. Meaning that I have never had actual penetration. On the other hand I no longer really feel that term is a correct term since I have done so many other things besides that actual act. That being said, when this friend who came to visit and I were first talking about his visit, I had thought that there was no longer a need to "save" myself and planned on letting what ever happens happen. But when push came to shove I couldn't go through with it. It had absolutely nothing to do with him, it completely had to do with that fact that I didn't want just 1 night, I wanted a relationship. On the other hand I fear that the sexual abuse that I went through when I was very young had something to do with it also, and that got me thinking and fearing that I would never be able to trust a man enough to give myself to him completely. I don't talk about this much because really it was small in relation to so many other people that go through this, and yet it is still something that sticks in my head and causes me fear sometimes. So I suppose this is as good and safe a spot as any to talk about it. Its a short story and yet it might help me to get it out.
This happened 2 different times that I can remember with 2 different men. Both men were "friends of the family", both military men, and both men's children have come forward with stories of sexual abuse from their fathers. I was probably around 6 or 7 years old when the first one happened and I remember the man would have me sit on his lap while he put his hand down my pants and played with me. I also remember a night with his 2 kids and myself and he had us all running around naked. The second man was much the same with having me sit on his lap and putting his hand down my pants. The difference with the second man is that he was a ship mate of my dads and years later my dad was still friends with him. My dad would talk about him and how great he was, and even tried to get me to spend time with this weasel. At this point I had to confront my dad and tell him that if he continued this friendship I would be forced to cut him out of my life. My dad accused me of lying. It wasn't until this man's children came forward and they pressed charges (he is now in jail) that my dad contacted me and apologized. I still kind of hold anger toward my dad for that. And yet my dad knew more of the details than I remember, so he had to have heard it or knew about it from someone else besides me. It seems such a small thing in the greater picture of the world and what so many others have gone through but I sometimes wonder if this is why I have such a hard time with intimacy. And yet there have been times where I have been more than willing to trust complete strangers all they way until the sex part. I fear I will never be able to get to that comfort with someone to let go of the fear. And yet I LOVE kissing, feeling someones arms move around your waist, pulling you close, feeling their heartbeat with yours and tasting the sweet softness of their lips, and with that feeling your stomach jump with exitement, slowly opening your eyes and being able to look in their eyes and being happy in the moment....